Sunday, 12 October 2008

Page 127

I was just so tired I struggled to keep my eyes open but as soon as I went to bed I was wide awake and sleep just wouldnt come. I decided to ring Dr. Williams to see if she could prescribe something. I did ring her and she had heard about Sheila , so I didnt have to say too much. She said she would leave me a prescription for some mild sleeping tablets to see if they would help. I had told her I didnt want to be walking around like a zombie, I would rather manage with- out.

Saturday came and I realised the sleeping tablets had worked , I didnt remember going to bed . Once more the phone was on overtime. Every time it rang I hoped it would be Dennis but no. I decided to tidy Sheila`s room a little as I somehow felt close to her in there. I tried but I found it too much.

One call I received was from the coroners office saying an inquest had been opened on the 26th October and adjourned to a later date , after all the forensics had been completed on the car and accident site. This call was to tell me that we could now arrange the funeral .

I could hear Steve in the bathroom so I went and put the kettle on to make tea, yet more tea. Then we could discuss funeral arrangements, something I didnt think I could face yet.Another day loomed ahead for us , it seemed as though we were waiting for things all the time, it was impossible to relax. my head was full of thoughts and what ifs, if I had done this if I had done that could I have changed the outcome. If I had gone with them could I have perhaps altered the outcome. Why didnt I take him myself. Sheila hadnt had the car very long ,was there something wrong with the car? was it a mechanical failure , was it human error, so many questions . it was impossible to stop these thoughts. I just couldnt come to terms with not ever seeing or speaking to her again.

The phone rang at about 2.00pm I answered it and it was my brother Dennis, at last. He said "hi She, did Sheila get home ok " my legs buckled under me and I sobbed , I couldnt speak I could hear him saying "whats wrong, whats wrong" I was finally able to speak and didnt know how to tell him. I hated having to tell him over the phone but I had no choice. I said Sheila had an accident on the way home and .......I couldnt say it......he said "She for gods sake tell me how she is". I blurted out she is dead. The silence was deafening. I was shouting down the phone Den, Den , but the line had gone dead. There was no 1471 then. I hoped that when he had got over the initial shock he would ring back.

Time passed and Dennis hadnt rung back, I really hoped he hadnt resorted to drugging himself up. we really needed him, Steve said he didnt think he would. There was a knock at the door at about 6.00pm , Steve answered it but I couldnt hear him speaking to anyone, so I went to see who it was and there stood Dennis, we both hugged and sobbed, not a word had been spoken.

Once again the kettle was put on for more tea , the panacea for all ills. Steve and I told Dennis as much as we knew and he was racked with guilt, he said if only he had gone by train this would never have happened, you could say if none of us had been born. He was still reeling from our telephone conversation . I apologised but said I didnt know how else to say it.

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