Thursday, 9 October 2008

Page 124

Steve and Lesley arrived and Ian , Lesley`s boyfriend . Steve, Lesley and I hugged each other, we couldnt speak , I kept thinking I will wake up in a minute and it will all have been a bad dream. The police were still there and spoke to Steve and Lel . In the meantime, as I found out later Ian had gone to tell Mike, Sheila`s Dad.

The police went and we were able to let the dogs out of the lounge at last. I hugged Allie she was my link with Sheila. The dog knew something was wrong and wouldnt leave my side. Mike came and came over to me but I pushed him away, I couldnt stand him near me. He had never been a proper father to her or any of the kids and now he was upset, I may be being harsh but in my grief thats how I felt, I didnt want him there but I knew he had every right.

Steve said we had to go to Bedford Hospital to formally identify Sheila and other things to be seen to. Ian was going to drive us there. Nothing seemed to sink in , I felt disassociated from everything that was going on. In the meantime we had a telephone call from the Moat House asking where Sheila was, as she should have been at work at 6.00pm. I dont know who took the call but they then had to explain . Patsy the hotel manager was shocked and said she would ring back later.

I dont remember the journey to the hospital I dont think any of us did. I didnt think I could handle the formal identifcation. As of yet we had no idea how the accident happened or who else was involved, if anybody.

We finally arrived and were shown to a room and they asked who was going to identify her and immediately Mike said he would and I felt relieved and guilty at the same time. I felt I should have gone but I was frozen to the spot. I felt that if I went and saw Sheila then it would be to final and I still didnt believe what had happened . Mike came out white as a sheet and nodded, the flood gates opened until now against all odds it might not have been her. Mike said she just looked asleep she just had a bruise on her forehead. I dont remember who went to see the doctor but they were told the cause of death was Brain Stem Haemorrhage, Fracture of the skull and Fracture of upper Cervical Vertebrae they said death was instantaneous. You cant imagine the guilt I felt, I should have been with her, she shouldnt have died on the roadside on her own , she was my daughter and I should have protected her. I shouldnt have let her go.

I had lost my Dad last year and my Mum in 1975 and I was heartbroken then but nothing compared to losing my child, I felt a part of me had died with her and I really didnt think I could recover from this. You expect your children to outlive you not like this.

We went home I was given Sheila`s handbag and the jewellery she had been wearing it was all so very very heartrending. I suddenly realised that my brother Dennis had no idea what had happened and we had no way of contacting him, we would have to wait for him to ring us.

Thank goodness Ian dropped Mike off at his flat, I know it sounds callous but I really didnt want him around and Lesley and Stephen felt the same. It all seemed so false. I made us all a cup of tea, no one wanted food. we were all in a state of limbo. Lesley and Ian reluctantly went home it was about 11.00pm. Steve and I then went to bed. I just couldnt sleep so got up and made yet another cup of tea. There were so many things going round my head, we still didnt know what had caused the accident only that no other vehicle was involved, which made it very disturbing.

Morning came I took the dogs in the garden and when I came back Steve was up, he hadnt been able to sleep either. Lesley was going to ring work and tell them what had happened and that Steve and I wouldnt be in. Lesley rang me and said my boss Graham was going to come round to our house at about 11.00am. I didnt want to see anyone only family.

No comments: